mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize