My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
