If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
