they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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