Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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