Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
