got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
