I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
