Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
