i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
