a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
