if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
They have beer where we have blood.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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