im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
