Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
