mondays should just be called national damage control day
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
