i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
