Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
