He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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