Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
