The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
