someone threw a dead crab at me
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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