And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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