She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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