I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I will die if light touches me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
