Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
