I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
