textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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