i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
