Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
