Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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