I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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