Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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