3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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