woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I currently don't understand fingers.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
