I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
