the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
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