The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
