i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
