We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
