Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize