I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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