I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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