why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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