she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
