grandma shit on top of the toilet
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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