I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
