the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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