hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
