and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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