The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
