we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
