worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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