My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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