When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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