How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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