Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
