someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize