I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
